my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
zippers are such a cool invention
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
