there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
