You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
