note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
