he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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