hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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