sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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