I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize