a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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