You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize