I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
