mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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