I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
