fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
