for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
