totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
