I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
