I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
