Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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