I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
