Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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