I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
