Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize