Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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