My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
