If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize