here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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