some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
