Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i out mim tonsoeep
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
