Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
