A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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