Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize