i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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