So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
