if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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