you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Randomize
