You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
