she woke up with a sticky ear
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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