Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
