i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Welp...herpes.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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