the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
