you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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