Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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