Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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