the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
