I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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