Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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