one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
