Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
