I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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