mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
