what day is it and did you see me today?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Vodka?
Forever.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
