Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
