i just snorted my name. best moment ever
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize