a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
