i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
