Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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