john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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