I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
